Suffocation and growth

 In March of 2011 I wrote this blog post but never shared it. 

I’m suffocating in the silence of words left unspoken, drowning in the endless depths of unshed tears. Lost in a maze inside my heart, so complex and discouraging that it is ripping me into pieces. Tearing me apart from the inside out. Taking over my senses. Taking over my mind. Consciously I have answers for everything, reasons for every interaction, every disappointment, every hurt, every injustice, every failure, but the accumulation of circumstances is overwhelming my consciousness. Destroying rational thought. I’m listening to the echoes of pain trapped inside my mind, screaming to be let free but imprisoned in a sound proof room. Pain caused by the realization that I don’t matter at all in the lives of those people that matter the most in my life.

A realization I have become very familiar with and yet seem to constantly forget. A soundtrack I’ve heard many times over the years, which has repeated itself over and over throughout my life, getting louder, more painful, more overwhelming, more crippling with each cycle. A melody I can’t seem to break free from because I can’t find the source of the music, can’t find the link, the error I am making which if corrected would protect me from feeling this pain. This loneliness. This yearning to be loved by those I love. This yearning to matter.

Someday, maybe, it will become clear. But not today. Today I sit.

Lost..

Alone...

Silent....

This was my truth for decades. Sometimes maybe I feel the echoes of it, but I don't feel this anymore and it's blowing my mind.