Given that Jonah's first birthday is coming up, it kind of makes sense that I've been thinking a lot recently about Jonah's birth and the days leading up to it.

My mom arrived here on the 16th of December, his due date was the 19th. I think sometime around then I went into hibernation mode. I so desperately wanted him to come that I just couldn't face seeing people and having them ask me (totally out of love) about it. I didn't even want to leave the house, my mom was here and it was the small amount of time we'd have together before a newborn and healing became the reality of our lives, but I couldn't get myself to take her out of the house. We played a lot of cards and took a lot of naps.

I was feeling so conflicted during that time. While I was desperately trying to be detached, I wasn't succeeding at all. I desperately wanted Jonah to come naturally. I had surrounded myself with stories of how beautiful and natural birth can be. How important it is for our children to come into this world the way they were meant to, and how like 95% of women are able to have natural births (even if they don't choose to or aren't allowed to by the medical systems where they live). I was searching inside me for any possible sign I could find and around the 17th I started feeling really consistent tiny contractions (in hindsight probably Braxton Hicks contractions) over night. I got so hopeful and excited, and Grayden got so hopeful and excited. But then nothing came of it and I remember feeling like such a failure. Haha like somehow it was my fault that I'd never had a child before and didn't know what it felt like! I think I described it to a friend as feeling "really, unreasonably sensitive and overwhelmed and confused and alone and like a failure." Everything felt so raw, and it was hard not having Grayden home with me and because I'd thought there was movement and their wasn't, I no longer trusted my own instincts to tell me the truth.

In Israel they only let you go one week over your due date before they really push for you to be induced. They make you come get checked at the hospital every three days after your due date (though we totally pushed it a bit), so by our 3rd hospital check on the