Reflections on nearly 2 years of marriage

Jonah is nearly a year old and Grayden and I have been married for nearly two years. I can't believe how quickly time has flown. I know so many people say that about family life. It's the kind of thing your parents or your friend's parents said while you were growing up and you rolled your eyes at them when they did. But wow!

I'll tackle marriage first. These last two years have turned my world upside-down in some very challenging, very difficult, very rewarding and very beautiful ways. Seriously. Challenging, difficult, rewarding and beautiful, all at the same time usually. Though the latter two often weren't as apparent at first as the first two were. The world has a way of telling a very specific story of family life. One painted in gold ink, with beautiful smiles and happily ever after written at the end. But it's not even remotely accurate. In fact, in many ways, the story that is told is actually quite harmful. Harmful because it makes people expect that story, and when not confronted with it they often fight, flee, freeze or faint (or all four at different times). None of which are helpful.

The two best things Grayden and I have ever done in our marriage was firstly to understand (and believe) that all our challenges could be fixed so long as we both made effort and were willing to work towards a solution and the second was to ask for help when we didn't have the skills yet to fix them ourselves. We each went separately to see counsellors a few times, we went to see a therapist together a few times and I went to see a therapist myself for months in our first year of marriage (while I was about 6-9 months pregnant). And I'm so so grateful that we had the strength and courage and willingness to do that. I think that willingness is what eventually built the necessary trust in our relationship that allowed us to overcome (and still work through) so many of the challenges we've faced. And I wish there was less of a stigma against seeking help! Honestly, it's one of the things I wish more people had the courage to do in their first year of marriage.

Marriage isn't the 'everything comes naturally and beautifully' perfect picture that is so often reused and recycled over and over and over in the movies. Don't get me wrong, I pray that with time, patience and effort, our marriage will be exactly that, but usually the media paints this perfect picture for the first part of marriage, the getting to know one another's characters/newly wed part. That part, just doesn't look like that for most couples. The beginning of relationships and marriage is messy and painful and challenging. You come face to face with your own ego over and over and over on a daily basis and you can't just ignore it like you could before marriage. You're forced to confront yourself and your assumptions and your actions on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. You also bring your spouse face to face with their own ego over and over and over again. And setting ego's aside, living in the same space, in the same bedroom with another human being of the opposite gender, when you've never done that before as an adult, is an eye opening, sometimes frustrating, sometimes embarrassing, sometimes confusing, sometimes shocking experience! We are all so different from one another. Our habits and attitudes are different,  the assumptions we make based on one another's behaviors are very different (and often are dead wrong). And it can be hard to put aside that feeling of 'I'm right, and you're wrong', 'my way of doing things is right and yours is really weird.' Honestly even when you know that feeling isn't true, sometimes it's just really hard to try to understand the perspective of someone who's brain functions in a very alien way from yours. Communication is just so hard early on! You've never had to communicate with anyone, not even your parents or siblings, about so many things - big things as well as little things.

Silly enough, the first thing Grayden and I ever argued about was where our pajamas should be placed when we make the bed in the morning. I'd always been taught and always seen everyone fold their pajamas and put them under their pillow (well lets face it, not everyone folds them and I wasn't a stickler about that, it was more the 'out of sight' part that was important to me). I took for granted that this was what everyone did and it had never crossed my mind that there were other ways of handling pajamas. Grayden on the other hand had always folded them and put them on the end of the bed, on top of the covers (!!!). I couldn't understand how that was okay! I mean, guests could come over and see your pajamas! How embarrassing!!! Lol, nearly 2 years later and I think it's hilarious, but at the time, it felt huge! I didn't want to criticize him or make him feel badly. I didn't feel like I had a right to ask him to change but I also didn't want them there. I think I actually held in my frustration so long that I might have blown up at him a bit when I finally told him - sort of a 'why in God's name would you do that??' explosion rather than an 'I feel a bit uncomfortable with them there' kind of sentiment.

Everything felt so BIG in that first year. I was looking for reassurance and love and understanding and compassion and was meeting him with confusion and sensitivity and uncertainty. He in turn was probably expecting similar things from me and was meeting me with similar attitudes. It's so hard to build trust and understanding when you're hoping the other person will take the first step to convince you of their love and trustworthiness! Luckily, both Grayden and I were able to communicate enough to one another to make it clear we were both trying. We kept stepping all over one another and hurting each other left and right. We kept assuming things that weren't true, based on our own backgrounds and sensitivities, and jumping to unfair conclusions based on our own shark music. But we knew that we were both trying and would keep trying until we overcame our struggles. We strongly believed in the institution of marriage and that our marriage was what God wanted for us. We knew that we would get to a place where our marriage was a fortress for wellbeing, and also even though we were caught a bit off guard by how difficult marriage was, we both had heard many times that the first year was challenging (and oh how it was!). Somehow knowing other people had clearly also faced struggles their first year (and probably most people for it to be such a common thing people said) made us feel less alone, less like we were failing somehow and more able to see it as part of the process of building a strong foundation.

And by about 8 months, something changed. Trust had somehow slowly seeped into our interactions and we turned around one day and found that the other person had become our closest and best friend. I remember it really caught me off guard. I had been very afraid of giving of myself physically - don't worry, you don't need to look too deeply into that sentence! I was afraid to hug him, to hold his hands to kiss him and definitely afraid of more physical contact than that! I'm very very lucky that he was very patient with me. But I remember one day in our eighth or nineth month were all those barriers that had been there to 'protect' me (the ones that clearly weren't needed anymore), just weren't there anymore. And all of a sudden all these things I'd been afraid of and had pushed away vehemently, not only was I not afraid of anymore but I actually really wanted them. And it wasn't just physical trust, it was like a barrier I'd had up since I was a child came crashing down with the realization that it was no longer needed.... Don't get me wrong, it took a lot of work to get there, and a lot of work afterwards as well. But it has been sooooooooooo rewarding. Because not only did I overcome some pretty huge walls I'd had up inside me for a long time, but I also gained a best friend in the process. One who didn't look or talk or act like any friend I'd had before, one who maybe didn't fulfill every need I have (and in truth, I don't think it would be a healthy marriage if he did), but one who would always be there as best he could and one who I realized I loved more than anyone I'd ever known before him.

I know so many people searching for a partner, and I guess, I just wanted to say that one of the best things that you can do is to reshape the image you have of what partnership/relationships/marriage actually look like. What your image of your partner/spouse looks like in your head. And when you do find someone and you do struggle; to have patience with yourself and with them, to take the time needed to build your ability to communicate with one another and to overcome each challenge that comes your way - and there will be challenges - and yes maybe to go see a counsellor or a couples therapist if you're both willing, trust me they can be sooooo helpful! But the most important thing is to believe that with effort, and patience and faith in yourselves and in one another, you will find everything you're looking for, and so so so much more!