Breaking

I don’t know what to think anymore. Who to be. How to act. I’m lost in a maze I created for myself, but can’t find the exit. I’ve lost my ability to genuinely be me all the time. I don’t feel safe being me. But I also don’t want to be someone I’m not, so I just cease to exist at times. I get quite and unsure and say stupid things and judge myself for it and get mad at myself for judging myself and for looking at myself through everyone else's eyes but my own, but then I go and do the same thing the next day. I’m unhappy. I’m hurting myself. I’m afraid. Constantly afraid. Afraid to shine, afraid not to shine, afraid to change who I am, but afraid of being who I am at the same time. Afraid of sharing too much of myself and annoying people or making them think I’m self-centered, but at the same time afraid of not sharing enough and not meaning anything to anyone. I’m afraid to talk, afraid to breathe, afraid to live. I’m terrified and I can’t figure out why. I’ve lost my foundation and can’t seem to find it. I find my hands shaking at times, from pent up emotion that can’t find a release. My heart aches with unexpressed joy. I smother my happiness for fear of being ridiculed (and the fear is founded in actual events, I am ridiculed for being me). I close off my heart for fear of having it broken apart, but it is closed off from me as well. I don’t know where to go from here.