Alienation

I wonder how often we make other people feel alienated, alone, not part of the group, not good enough, smart enough, not enough. It’s so easy to do by accident. Make a few random comments to a group of people in another language when only one person doesn’t speak that language. You might even translate the comments for that person, but after a while the random comments will grow until you’re constantly talking in that language without caring how it makes the person who doesn’t understand feel. Are these side comments important? Is there a reason that they have to be said in this other language? If there is a reason, then are they the kind of comments that should be said at all? Could you wait to say them until you can speak the language that everyone speaks?

This is just one example, here is another one. Maybe you are part of a group of friends but know that if you invite someone else to join your group’s activities, then you won’t be part of that group anymore, so you make everyone else feel lonely because you’re afraid of feeling lonely. If inviting one person along so they won’t be alone creates such issues, are these really the type of people that you want to surround yourself with?

I have been in the middle of both of these dilemmas. I only speak one language, English, so quite often people will be speaking a different language to each other and I have no idea what they’re saying. And it’s fine, I understand that sometimes you just need to say something to someone in another language, or sometimes you don’t think about it, but when you have a group of 6 people and 5 of them speak a language that you don’t speak (but still speak English fluently as well), after a enough times of them speaking in this other language, there is really no getting around the feeling of being a separate entity. Part of the group and yet not. Not cared enough about or respected enough for them to care that you can’t understand.

And I’ve been on the inside of the second thing as well. Being part of a group of people who are quite segregatory and don’t want others to join, and making a point of not inviting people. Or even just a group that I’m afraid to invite others because I’m afraid of aggravating someone in the group.

It makes me question my own morals and my own wish to be around these people. Do I really want to be friends with people who don’t respect me enough to care when I can’t understand them? Who make jokes and laugh with each other without telling me what they’re talking about, or even if they do tell me, it’s after the fact and I’m still not a real part of the conversation. Do I really want to be friends with people who I don’t feel comfortable being myself around? Who tell me I’m too nice as if it’s a bad thing and who make me afraid of being friendly to others?

I think I need to rethink some things, and I need to learn to be alone, because I think I’d rather go on trips and eat in the lunchroom all by myself then to continue to surround myself with people who don’t truly respect or care about me or anyone else.

Breaking

I don’t know what to think anymore. Who to be. How to act. I’m lost in a maze I created for myself, but can’t find the exit. I’ve lost my ability to genuinely be me all the time. I don’t feel safe being me. But I also don’t want to be someone I’m not, so I just cease to exist at times. I get quite and unsure and say stupid things and judge myself for it and get mad at myself for judging myself and for looking at myself through everyone else's eyes but my own, but then I go and do the same thing the next day. I’m unhappy. I’m hurting myself. I’m afraid. Constantly afraid. Afraid to shine, afraid not to shine, afraid to change who I am, but afraid of being who I am at the same time. Afraid of sharing too much of myself and annoying people or making them think I’m self-centered, but at the same time afraid of not sharing enough and not meaning anything to anyone. I’m afraid to talk, afraid to breathe, afraid to live. I’m terrified and I can’t figure out why. I’ve lost my foundation and can’t seem to find it. I find my hands shaking at times, from pent up emotion that can’t find a release. My heart aches with unexpressed joy. I smother my happiness for fear of being ridiculed (and the fear is founded in actual events, I am ridiculed for being me). I close off my heart for fear of having it broken apart, but it is closed off from me as well. I don’t know where to go from here.