Even though many of my experiences during my Year of Service were some of the most testing and difficult things I have ever faced, there were just as many positive experiences, just as many happy times where I felt more love than I had ever experienced before. There is not a second of time, not a single memory, bad or good that I would give up.
Before I left, I was kind of lost, unsure of who I was or where I was going in life and why. But I don’t feel that I am anymore. I changed while I was there into a person who understands who I am, who I want to be spiritually, and that it doesn’t matter materially where I go in life or what I do, because what is important is being true to myself and staying connected with God.
I learned while I was there that the person that I deeply want and love to be is a happy person. I know this sounds strange, but it was a life changing realization for me. I realized that happiness is an inside job and the only person who can control your happiness is you. I wrote this while I was there.
You are your strongest means of achieving happiness. You chose to be happy, whether you believe it or not. You make the choice to let others run your life, You believe you need others to help you live, But in reality you are crippling yourself. You are forcing yourself to believe that you can’t fix your own problems, And in so doing, you are ensuring that you will never truly be happy. For you and only you have the power to control your emotions. You feel happy, you feel lonely, you feel empty, you feel loved, you feel sadness, you feel hurt, you feel ignored, you feel inferior, you feel self-conscious, you feel like an outsider…. All of this is you! You decide how you feel. Your mind is the life force for all your insecurities. Listen to your heart and learn to love yourself. Only then can you ever truly be happy.
I found my center in the Czech Republic. I gained a purpose in life and a group of people who love me. Something that I never felt as though I had before. Until I went there, I lived my life trying to please other people, because I felt that I needed their acceptance. But I don’t live this way anymore. Now anytime I feel lonely or frustrated with people, all I have to do is look to the people that I met there and know that even though I’m not living with them, there are people who love me for who I am, and I don’t need to change myself to make other’s happy. I don’t need everyone’s acceptance, and it took me 20 years to realize this.
When I came home from the Czech Republic and was trying to explain to my dad all the things I had learned on my year of service, I realized that my experience almost directly paralleled the experience of a character in a book I really like.
In the book there is a girl who is an amazing empath, so good in fact that she can feel the emotions of everyone around her, and help them to work through their pain and fears. When it is first discovered that she has this ability, she is taught to shield her mind from those around her, but she isn’t really taught how to do it, not in detail anyways. Later when she gets older many nasty rumors are started about how she uses her ability and they destroy her self-confidence and in so doing destroy her shield. Having never actually been taught how to shield herself, she doesn’t know what to do and basically falls apart.
Eventually her mentor sees what is happening and he teaches her the basics of shielding herself, which stems from the ability to center yourself completely. Learning to center means learning to find that part of yourself that is “you” and become completely sure of it. It is something that takes a long time to achieve but once you know the feeling of it, you will never have a problem finding it again.
I feel as though I took a very similar path to this character. When I lived in Alaska I was unconsciously happy with who I was and where I was going. But when I moved to Tucson, I lost my ability to be who I was, and having never consciously thought about it, I had nothing to go back to. I felt completely alone and over time I completely tore myself to bits. To the point that had I not been a Bahá’í and understood that my life was a precious gift and that someday my life would be better, I probably truly would have committed suicide. This is how deeply confused, alone and hurt I felt at that time.
However, when I went to the Czech Republic I was able to completely start over, because people coming from so many different backgrounds as it was, were much more open to differences than people are here and because not a single person there knew me before.
I was kind of forced to just be who I am, someone that I didn’t really realize was still inside of me until I got there. A person who loves to make others happy and gains her own happiness from that. A person who loves to be crazy, but deep as well, who loves to have deep friendships with people, and hates it when everything is on the surface.
I found who I was, but this time I did it consciously. It was kind of a long process, I don’t think I realized I’d even done it until March or April, but when I did, it was like in the story when she found her center and everything clicked. I now know what it feels like to be me. I might lose my way sometimes, I might not always be the person I’d like to be, but at least I know where my center is, I’m not lost anymore.
In the story there was a point where a person really close to her was in so much agonizing pain that she shut down and her mind went into a whirlpool of self doubt and hurt and she stopped communicating with the world. The main character had to delve into her mind and find her to bring her back. At first she was lost and being pulled in with her, but then her horse, who was like her spiritual guide, was there, as if a string was connecting her to him and she could go wherever she needed to go, but would always have that connection with the world and couldn’t get lost.
I feel like before I went to the Czech Republic, I was constantly delving into other people’s minds, trying to figure out who they wanted me to be, but I was being pulled in and tossed around and thrown to the ground and I didn’t have anything to cling to. Now I do.
I found my center, my connection with God, and I don’t feel that it is possible for me to get lost anymore. I now have the ability to know that even in the darkest times in my life, I am not alone.
My experience at Townshend changed everything for me, and every day I seem to be realizing more things that I’ve learned. I found my connection with God there, I learned how to love and how to be loved there, I learned what it is to say a prayer and feel its impact while I was there. I learned the importance of encouragement there as well as the importance of knowing who I am and who I would like to be.
I think everyone should have an experience like this, a chance to step out of their life and grow individually and spiritually. A chance to realize that they aren’t alone, that life is more than it seems and that if they have faith, all of their worries will disappear because instead of stressing about where they will be 10 years from now, they will just let their lives go where they go, and accept all the wonderful surprises that are thrown at them.
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