An exercise in description and brevity (each sentence could be no more than 7 words):
I stepped outside, taking with me the warmth. Warmth from a conference brimming with love. A sense of peace settled over me. As the doors closed, my heart overflowed. December in the Czech Republic was glorious. The chilly air, alight with potential. I breathed in absolute and unreserved joy. My deepest wish finally being answered. Five years of yearning come to fruition. In awe, I watched as they fell. Snowflakes, gliding down from the sky. Perfect in their uniqueness. Settling on everything with gentle grace. Deep inside, lost doors opened. Memories of a beloved home overwhelmed me. Flooded with wonder I looked up. Into the majesty of God’s creation. Into unexplainable joy and gratitude.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
To my brothers and sisters in Iran
The sighs of your love, the tears of your despair, the anguish and hardship you face are the heartbeat of our world. Your sacrifice is the reason for my very breath, the impetus of my existence.
Because of my place of birth I am incapable of, and yet protected from, enduring the tests and injustice that you live with each day. I will never be able to see the sacred land in which you live—the cradle of our Faith, the birth place of our Beloved, the resting place of countless souls stolen before their time. I will never taste a single drop from the cup of sacrifice that each of you must quaff of every day of your lives.
Because of your birth place and your strength and resolve to see justice and change in your home country, you are barred from attaining your heart’s desire. You are unable to see the sun shine off of the Báb’s golden domed Shrine or hear the birds chirping while praying inside the Shrine of Baha’u’llah—the most blessed, most precious, most Holy spot on earth, and by the grace of God, my birthright.
How is it possible for one person to be so close to our Adored One and yet so far away, while you are so far from Him and yet so breathtakingly close? You yearn with all your hearts for the blessings that are heaped upon me each day, while I in turn yearn with all my heart to understand and embody the faith and the love and the courage with which you face each day.
You sacrifice the bounties in my life, the joy of my existence, for the betterment of our world, for the spiritual rejuvenation of a country that has not yet recognized it’s most precious, most life altering achievement. If I were to devote the rest of my life in service to humanity, I could not even begin to measure up to an ounce of the blood that you have spilled in His path. Could not even comprehend what it means to truly detach from all else but God. I may be materially stable, but you are spiritually the richest population I have ever known.
May your hardship be rewarded with eternal joy and wonder. May your prayers and your steadfastness bring you justice and freedom. May you never lose faith that the love and prayers of an entire world of believers are with you in your sorrows, in your anguish, in your turmoil. May you always feel the love and light and inspiration we feel when we think of you, our precious, devoted, beloved, treasured brothers and sisters in Iran.
Because of my place of birth I am incapable of, and yet protected from, enduring the tests and injustice that you live with each day. I will never be able to see the sacred land in which you live—the cradle of our Faith, the birth place of our Beloved, the resting place of countless souls stolen before their time. I will never taste a single drop from the cup of sacrifice that each of you must quaff of every day of your lives.
Because of your birth place and your strength and resolve to see justice and change in your home country, you are barred from attaining your heart’s desire. You are unable to see the sun shine off of the Báb’s golden domed Shrine or hear the birds chirping while praying inside the Shrine of Baha’u’llah—the most blessed, most precious, most Holy spot on earth, and by the grace of God, my birthright.
How is it possible for one person to be so close to our Adored One and yet so far away, while you are so far from Him and yet so breathtakingly close? You yearn with all your hearts for the blessings that are heaped upon me each day, while I in turn yearn with all my heart to understand and embody the faith and the love and the courage with which you face each day.
You sacrifice the bounties in my life, the joy of my existence, for the betterment of our world, for the spiritual rejuvenation of a country that has not yet recognized it’s most precious, most life altering achievement. If I were to devote the rest of my life in service to humanity, I could not even begin to measure up to an ounce of the blood that you have spilled in His path. Could not even comprehend what it means to truly detach from all else but God. I may be materially stable, but you are spiritually the richest population I have ever known.
May your hardship be rewarded with eternal joy and wonder. May your prayers and your steadfastness bring you justice and freedom. May you never lose faith that the love and prayers of an entire world of believers are with you in your sorrows, in your anguish, in your turmoil. May you always feel the love and light and inspiration we feel when we think of you, our precious, devoted, beloved, treasured brothers and sisters in Iran.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
A Perfect Day
When I was 15 years old my family moved from Juneau Alaska to Tucson Arizona. My dad left a week before my mom and me. He caught a ferry to Washington and drove one of our cars all the way to Arizona, then he caught a plane back and met my mom and I in Seattle in order to drive our other car down. While I went on this drive with my dad, my mom took my dad’s return flight to Arizona. Thus I got to spend 3 whole days alone with him. We had an outrageous amount of fun trying to keep ourselves occupied. We sang songs, enjoyed the scenery, read through an Anne McCafferey book, and had some pretty amazing conversations. It was a tough transition for me and my dad knew it. However, while these three days alone with my dad will live in my memory forever, they aren’t the perfect day I’m referring to in the title of this story. That day came the day before my dad left Juneau.
It was a surprisingly sunny and quite warm day considering that it was early March in Southeast Alaska. The snow still lightly dusted the ground and the mountains, yet the promise of spring and new life peaked through the white. My dad asked me what I wanted to do with him on our last day of living as a family in Juneau; his last day before he caught the ferry to Washington. With infinite possibilities before me, I asked him if we could just drive around and take pictures. So I grabbed my camera and a brand new roll of Kodak film and we drove. We drove to the glacier and took pictures, then we drove around the Valley, and Mendenhall Mall, past the Nugget mall and on down Glacier Highway.
It was one of the first times I can remember driving with my dad with no real purpose in mind. We drove to remember the life we had lived there, to mourn the home we would be leaving, to capture the beauty we knew we would never be able to forget. We were both at a loss to express the emotions we were feeling, and yet we didn’t have to. The journey we took in that small brief period of time, was really to cherish the blessings we had been given and prepare us for the unknown that was the future.
That day has lived a thousand days in my memory for it was an end and a beginning at the same time. It was loss and joy, love and sadness, peace and longing, beauty and fear. It was like standing on the edge of a canyon, marveling at the expanse. Unsure what the next step will bring. Will the earth crumble below your feet and laugh as you fall? Or will it protect you and guide you to safety? These were the questions in our hearts as we drove through a lifetime of memories... My lifetime.
I will forever remember that day because for me, symbolically, it was my last day in the place I had always called home and still probably always will. It represents the end of a time in my life where I had nothing to fear, nothing to lose, where nature brought joy to my heart and filled my life with meaning. It was the day I said good-bye to a piece of me that I am still waiting to find again. A piece of me that I catch glimpses of sometimes, as the green of the grass and the tips of the pine needles peaking through the snow that day. Sometimes when I am blessed to visit endless forests or see majestic mountains again, I feel the hole inside me refill just a little bit. But in my heart I know that I am still waiting. Waiting for a period in my life, that will answer the perfection of my first 15 years. A time that will permanently restore the piece of my heart which I said good-bye to on that perfect day ten years ago.
This picture is very similar to the photos I took that day. It's of the Mendenhall Glacier.
It was a surprisingly sunny and quite warm day considering that it was early March in Southeast Alaska. The snow still lightly dusted the ground and the mountains, yet the promise of spring and new life peaked through the white. My dad asked me what I wanted to do with him on our last day of living as a family in Juneau; his last day before he caught the ferry to Washington. With infinite possibilities before me, I asked him if we could just drive around and take pictures. So I grabbed my camera and a brand new roll of Kodak film and we drove. We drove to the glacier and took pictures, then we drove around the Valley, and Mendenhall Mall, past the Nugget mall and on down Glacier Highway.
It was one of the first times I can remember driving with my dad with no real purpose in mind. We drove to remember the life we had lived there, to mourn the home we would be leaving, to capture the beauty we knew we would never be able to forget. We were both at a loss to express the emotions we were feeling, and yet we didn’t have to. The journey we took in that small brief period of time, was really to cherish the blessings we had been given and prepare us for the unknown that was the future.
That day has lived a thousand days in my memory for it was an end and a beginning at the same time. It was loss and joy, love and sadness, peace and longing, beauty and fear. It was like standing on the edge of a canyon, marveling at the expanse. Unsure what the next step will bring. Will the earth crumble below your feet and laugh as you fall? Or will it protect you and guide you to safety? These were the questions in our hearts as we drove through a lifetime of memories... My lifetime.
I will forever remember that day because for me, symbolically, it was my last day in the place I had always called home and still probably always will. It represents the end of a time in my life where I had nothing to fear, nothing to lose, where nature brought joy to my heart and filled my life with meaning. It was the day I said good-bye to a piece of me that I am still waiting to find again. A piece of me that I catch glimpses of sometimes, as the green of the grass and the tips of the pine needles peaking through the snow that day. Sometimes when I am blessed to visit endless forests or see majestic mountains again, I feel the hole inside me refill just a little bit. But in my heart I know that I am still waiting. Waiting for a period in my life, that will answer the perfection of my first 15 years. A time that will permanently restore the piece of my heart which I said good-bye to on that perfect day ten years ago.
This picture is very similar to the photos I took that day. It's of the Mendenhall Glacier.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Silence
I live my life carrying around a weight of my own making.
Shouldering a burden that doesn’t exist.
Wearing a mask that hides what I feel.
Afraid.
Unworthy.
Incapable.
Young.
Yearning for compassion, friendship and love
but afraid of interaction.
Constantly second guessing myself.
I hide.
Inside my mind.
Inside my heart.
Behind a smile and a calm exterior.
My fear kept under a tight lock.
My inexperience and cowardice fed by my silence.
A silence so deep I forget it is there.
It feeds on itself, ensnaring me deeper in its web.
I get lost in the echoes of nothing and everything.
The echoes of conversations that could have been if I was more capable,
of friendships that would have been if I were less afraid,
of a life I wish I knew how to lead,
a lack of acceptance of who I am,
constant judgment of who I should be,
And Fear.
Outrageous amounts of fear.
Has left me in a world of written words, poems & lyrics
A world where interaction is feared.
A world of silence.
Shouldering a burden that doesn’t exist.
Wearing a mask that hides what I feel.
Afraid.
Unworthy.
Incapable.
Young.
Yearning for compassion, friendship and love
but afraid of interaction.
Constantly second guessing myself.
I hide.
Inside my mind.
Inside my heart.
Behind a smile and a calm exterior.
My fear kept under a tight lock.
My inexperience and cowardice fed by my silence.
A silence so deep I forget it is there.
It feeds on itself, ensnaring me deeper in its web.
I get lost in the echoes of nothing and everything.
The echoes of conversations that could have been if I was more capable,
of friendships that would have been if I were less afraid,
of a life I wish I knew how to lead,
a lack of acceptance of who I am,
constant judgment of who I should be,
And Fear.
Outrageous amounts of fear.
Has left me in a world of written words, poems & lyrics
A world where interaction is feared.
A world of silence.
Friday, March 25, 2011
A Silent Plea
I’m suffocating in the silence of words left unspoken, drowning in the endless depths of unshed tears. Lost in a maze inside my heart, so complex and discouraging that it is ripping me into pieces. Tearing me apart from the inside out. Taking over my senses. Taking over my mind. Consciously I have answers for everything, reasons for every interaction, every disappointment, every hurt, every injustice, every failure, but the accumulation of circumstances is overwhelming my consciousness. Destroying rational thought. I’m listening to the echoes of pain trapped inside my mind, screaming to be let free but imprisoned in a sound proof room. Pain caused by the realization that I don’t matter at all in the lives of those people that matter the most in my life.
A realization I have become very familiar with and yet seem to constantly forget. A soundtrack I’ve heard many times over the years, which has repeated itself over and over throughout my life, getting louder, more painful, more overwhelming, more crippling with each cycle. A melody I can’t seem to break free from because I can’t find the source of the music, can’t find the link, the error I am making which if corrected would protect me from feeling this pain. This loneliness. This yearning to be loved by those I love. This yearning to matter.
Someday, maybe, it will become clear. But not today. Today I sit.
Lost..
Alone...
Silent....
Written 25-March-2011
A realization I have become very familiar with and yet seem to constantly forget. A soundtrack I’ve heard many times over the years, which has repeated itself over and over throughout my life, getting louder, more painful, more overwhelming, more crippling with each cycle. A melody I can’t seem to break free from because I can’t find the source of the music, can’t find the link, the error I am making which if corrected would protect me from feeling this pain. This loneliness. This yearning to be loved by those I love. This yearning to matter.
Someday, maybe, it will become clear. But not today. Today I sit.
Lost..
Alone...
Silent....
Written 25-March-2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
The puzzle that is me
Sometimes I feel a lot like a puzzle. Like there are all these different pieces of me, each its own shape and size and color. All of these pieces together make up the person that I am, only, there is no one in the world who has ever seen the whole picture. Most people only have access to a few pieces, they look at these pieces and think they can guess or think they know the whole of me from these few pieces, but in reality they have no idea. If you were to collect all the pieces of me which have been shown, from every person in the world who has ever known me, and put them together, you would have a much clearer picture of who I am, of all sides of me, and yet, the picture would be missing quite a few pieces, some are things I don’t even know about myself, colors only God knows I can shine, and some are pieces I hide from the world, pieces of me I hold onto so tightly, no one has ever even caught a glimpse of them, pieces of the puzzle that is me which I am afraid to share, and yet hope to someday be able to show to someone or have someone discover, so that they can help me to understand how they fit. Sometimes I yearn with all my heart to no longer be the only keeper of the full picture. I yearn for someone to share the burden and the blessing with me, for someone to help me discover the bigger picture, to help me to see those puzzle pieces I have hidden for so long that even I don’t remember what they look like, and maybe to help me fill in the holes of puzzle pieces I’ve lost, or repaint the pieces which no longer reflect who I am.
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